Open Orchestra Humour (compiled by Philip Welsby)

Mostly from published articles in the Clarinet and Saxophone Journal. For reasons of potential libel every noun should be preceded by "allegedly."

A reply following an allegation that "Violins are best" "This begged the question "On what criteria?" If we judge on quantity there can be no argument. The argument in terms of quality will never be resolved because wind players do not have the time to argue as we have our instrument in our mouths for most of the time. To have a fair argument the string players ought to put their instrument in their mouths for an equal time - musical dental floss? The wind players are an affable lot and willingly will purchase a plectrum for any string players. The situation remains unresolved.

Quotations by David Crisp, the conductor until 2006

"I was not aware that there was a 5:4 bar in this piece."

To a violinist "Are you playing lead, rhythm or base?"

After a curious clarinet glissando in a Beethoven Symphony "Interesting. Perhaps Beethoven should have written if that way - I did not know that Beethoven had been influenced by Gershwin."

"The mark forte is there to remind you that you should, up to now, have been playing piano."

"It is allegro, not aggro."

Following an unexpected dissonance in the bassoon "If you made a sound like that in a wood then something would come and try to mate with you."

"You must listen to each other. So I'm not going to distract you by conducting." Thirty seconds later. "Good, very good. Perhaps I am the problem."

"There were some good bits in that."

At a rehearsal for the Orchestra and Choir Concert our maestro offended the sensitive members of the Orchestra (in other words probably no one) when he tried to ensure that the base singers in the choir had exact tuning by asking our bassoonist "Could you give us an F 'n' B flat?" The bassoonist played a B flat. Our maestro reposted "I said an F 'n' B flat." The reply "But that is the note I played."

The Orchestra Committee treasurer was having difficulty getting her timing correct in a waltz piece. David, our Conductor, brought the rehearsal to a halt "Do all of you realise that we have a treasurer who cannot count to three?"

Wind section mishaps

To an airport X-ray scan official who had asked me if I had any sharp instrument when I arrived at the scanner carrying my clarinet. "No, often flat. In fact usually B flat."

When visiting Libya I stayed in a hotel with no air conditioning and, unknowingly, shared a balcony with a Sudanese gentleman who was as black as night. After nightfall it was pitch-black and I wanted to practice the Mozart Concerto and, because the temperature was 41 degrees Centigrade, I had a cold shower and decided to play in the nude (it seemed like a good idea at the time), only to notice a pair of seemingly disembodied white teeth grinning at me from the balcony. Undeterred I finished my melodic phase and was then informed by the now partially embodied teeth "Everything is most wondrous."

After a performance for a medical audience I was approached by a female physiologist who was interested in intra-abdominal pressure during my playing. I will not bother you with the route by which she intended to make this measurement. You will not be surprised that I declined to participate.

Ode to Joy (one of our oboists)
When I misheard that you were a hobo
(misunderstood you to be an American tramp)
An unsung hero with everywhere and nowhere to go.

Now I know the oboe's a blow from your heart
Hopefully all in the services of art.

You say your oboe requires a good reed
And that controlled breath is also a need.
Truly, of your tone we are rather fond,
Even if derived from reeds grown in a pond.

Medical discussions

There are several medical members of the Open Orchestra and the following is an abstract from a conversation.

"Why is it just rock stars that require pharmacological assistance?"
"Are you suggesting that the orchestra needs such assistance?"
"Well… If we were to play romantic French impressionist music then oestrogens might be a help, valium might be a help when playing technically fraught pieces, and Beta blockers would be good for stage fright if we noticed a music critic in the audience."
"And what would be useful if we were playing the opening from Also Sprach Zarathustra (the moonshot theme) or Bolero?"
"Er, somebody change the subject quickly please."